You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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