I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I won the penis lottery.
if only i could text you this smell
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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