Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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