last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
