How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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