When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
