WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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