I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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