I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
