how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
