I wish my penis had an off switch
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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