the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
