My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Randomize
