Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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