how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
