Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
