So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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