he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He did a backflip because drugs
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