he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
