I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
