I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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