He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
