Please, let me fuck your mom
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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