Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
