I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
