the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
