i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
