He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We're too hungover to prance.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
