I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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