...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
