Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I faked an abortion last night.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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