Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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