Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
