I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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