oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
