just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
