Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
In America we eat man semen.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
