I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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