I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
