my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
