Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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