he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
