If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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