The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
