So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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