What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
