I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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