Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
