A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
