I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
