Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
